Unbelief

“Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

Sometimes this is the only prayer I can speak out loud.

As I have struggled with my identity within the Crucified Christ over the last months, I have discovered how deep my doubt has gone in what Christ can do within my life and the life of those I love.

To be honest, I had lost myself within the busyness of life and the neediness of my own emotional comfort and forgot that my primary identity is found in finding myself within Christ Crucified Himself.

During this season, I don’t need an infant Jesus or even a resurrected Jesus, I need to see the Suffering Servant. I need to know that pain and heartache are not just things happening, but are instruments of holiness.

So in the midst of it all, of finding myself struggling for breathe, I pray

“Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

I have stumbled, I have fallen, I have been wounded
I have lost myself in myself, searching for identity in my vocation
my wife, my family, my ordination
I have neglected the ones I love

in this moment, diving through the guilt and shame, I eek out

“Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

So I will sit in the doubt, sit in the pain, sit in the shame
and wait impatiently for Grace to make Himself known
for the day when I may taste a crumb from the Supper of the Lamb
Where I may find myself with Grace personified
and be told who I am
and until that moment,

“Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s