who

As I sat in my first counseling session a week ago, my therapist looked at me and asked:

‘Who is GOD to you?’

In that moment, I said the only thing I could think of:  ‘I don’t know.

To be honest, for many years, that idea and the knowledge of GOD had been more mental exercise and knowledge than deep interior heart knowledge.

GOD was cold, distant, and angry, at least in my mind and at least for me.  I had distanced myself from a sense of the Divine so much because I knew I was unworthy.

Yes, GOD had the capacity for love, grace, mercy, justice, etc etc etc But those weren’t primary attributes of GOD to me.  And even if they were, I didn’t feel them.

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I sat in my priest’s office a few months ago and he said, “Do you know what grace is?”

I didn’t.

I still don’t.

But I desire to know.

I preached about the mercy, grace, and love of GOD but didn’t know what the experience of that mercy, grace, and love was for me personally.

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I have grown tired of the heresy hunts. I have grown tired of the ‘rightness’ debates.

I have grown tired of judging the orthodoxy of others and not focusing on my own sin.

My heart desires mercy and it’s full of judgement.

My heart desires love and it’s full of indifference.

My heart desires grace and it’s full of un-forgiveness.

Hopefully, on this pilgrimage, I will find out who GOD is sooner rather than later.

 

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